So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
