if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
