I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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