it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
