Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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