You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
