i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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