he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
