So drunk its hurt
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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