so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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