During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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