i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
