how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
