My liver just broke up with me...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sext me about skeletons
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
