Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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