There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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