"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
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