It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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