you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
