You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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