I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
