you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
