is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
