My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
