Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
