I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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