I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
