Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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