Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
