I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
