I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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