By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
