i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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