Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.â€
My divorce is turning into a porn script
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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