I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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