i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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