If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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