It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
