last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
