Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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