FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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