if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
