I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Randomize
