before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
