hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
