They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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