I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
