Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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