i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
