Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
