Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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