Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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