i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
