Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
