i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
